Santa's on holiday now

Vince Cable, David Cameron and some other wankers

The Daily Telegraph's recent undercover reportage of Vince Cable and some other twats letting slip how shit the UK's coalition government really is must have truly taken its toll.  Vincey boy should have continued with his loss of dignified aplomb (also known as political bollox) and really gone to town and told David "limp wrist" Cameron to go fuck himself.  Let's face it, the current coalition government is about as useful to the UK public as lecturing a whore with the clap about the dangers of venereal sores - pretty fucking pointless.

Vince Cable in his trademark hat weathering the current political climate.

It's the way that Liberals and Conservatives are trying to convince us that they've all been smoking some sort of political peace pipe which instantly dissolves decades of political indifference. Well if this is the correct analogy to apply they must be smoking some pretty bad shit, man! 

One the Telegraph's undercover reporters sporting the disguise that dropped the guards of Liberal politicians.

America's New Gay Army: who's watching your back?

The Broke Back Mounting Division's new weapon. Generals are currently considering how artillery that fires 40" dildos will fit into current tactics.

President Obama's recent decision to let openly gay people into the US military has raised a few eyebrows, and some other parts of the human anatomy.  New military regulations to be introduced include:

1. The US Army will be renamed Dorothy's Fan Club.

2. Jean-Paul Gautier will be in charge of redesigning uniforms.  

   (We understand shorts will feature heavily.)

3. Liza Minnelli's ex-husband, David Guest, will be made a General.

4. Naked Wednesdays.

5. Butt-plug inspections.

6. Shower buddy drill to be implemented.

First photos of the new crack special forces unit called the Rock Hudson Brigade.

 

 

 

Muzzle covers for Dorothy's Fan Club (formally the US Army) have yet  to be tested in combat.

 

Justin Bieber sucks cock

Yes that’s right sports fans, the favourite wet dream for practically every pubescent girl, Justin Bieber, likes dick.  Justin’s gayness recently came to light with his choice of a new manager: the 49 year old singer, songwriter and all-round shit-stabbing arse bandit, Boy George.

                                         (Boy George bought a new outfit to 

                                         celebrate signing the teen cock lover)

His outgoing manager, Scooter Braun, was believed to have said: “I just wish that I left the little cock-sucker on YouTube where I found him and gone with the ice-skating chimp instead.  The ape was way fucking cleverer than that Canadian fudge-packer.”    

Every since being released from jail in May 2009 for imprisoning a male escort (he’s so fucking ugly he needs to pay for it), Boy George has been looking for new challenges.  It’s supposed to have taken him a while to convince Justin to join his management team, Arse Ticklers, Faggots Fan Club.  Booze, rohypnol and amyl nitrate helped a bit, but in the end a big throbbing cock was only required.

Boy George has a few projects in the pipeline.  Seeing as Justin can’t sing for shit, he’s being lined up for a gay version of a Harry Potter film, Harry Poker and a Goblet of Cum, whereby Justin/Harry is supposed to do unorthodox things with his wand.

Dappy from NDubz is Greek

The illiterate special needs star Dappy (aka “twat in the hat”) from those talentless tossers called NDubz is Greek.  This revelation was truly shocking for Dappy who until now has always maintained that he’s black.

It seems like some brothers were pretty fucked off that Dappy, who turns 14 next year, has been attempting to pass himself off as one of their own.  In retrospect, this was seemingly obvious since he can’t sing or rap and has the rhythm of dead paraplegic.

We understand that Greek authorities are desperately trying to disprove his heritage since they can’t take anymore bad news.  With Greek national pride at an all-time low caused by the shit state of their economy they really can’t handle any more national disgrace.

(A recent anti-Dappy demo in Greece.  The sign reads: “The testicles of these dogs have got more talent inside them than you – what the fuck else can go wrong for us”)

Liz Hurley beds X Factor's Shayne Ward

The media’s buzzing today with rumours that Liz Hurley, actress turned business women, has cheated on her husband (the fella with the charisma of a cornflake) with former X Factor star turned Asda supermarket trolley supervisor Shayne Ward.

                      Shayne at work (things haven't been the same since X Factor)

                          Liz at work (she still knows how to earn at the age of 52)

Sarah Palin arrives in Haiti

Earthquakes, cholera epidemics and political strife.  Now Sarah Palin arrives, what the fuck else can possibly go wrong for Haiti.

Time to get the voodoo dolls (and nails) out guys...

Bernie “killer” Madoff

“Nice one Bernie, you’ve killed one of your offspring.”  Is there no stopping this guy in what sort of damage he can cause?  This avaricious turd of a human being should do the decent thing, i.e. ask a guard at Butner for a length of rope in order to emulate his son’s method of departure.   

Times like these you just wish there were people out there dispensing real justice against Bernie and his ilk.  Now what was the name of Kevin Spacey’s character in Seven…?

Ann Widdecombe suffers diarrhoea blowback

In addition to looking like a sack of it on Strictly Come Dancing, Ann Widdecombe recently suffered a diarrhoea blowback at home, which she believes was brought on by a build up of shit ever since retiring from Parliament.

Here’s to you Ann, now fuck off and stay away from TV cameras.

                        Ann's crapper has never been the same since her blowback.

Prince Charles's Ride gets Pimped by students

Nobel Peace Party

Yeah everybody, it's time to grab your party gear and celebrate another Nobel winner.  Well lets face it, with this year's winner being stuck in some god-forsaken, Chinese shit-pit of a prison won't be "getting on down" tonight over the prize.  Just think, the prize comes with a US$1m cash prize.  For the fucked-up place he's in right now, I'd rather stick with doing the lottery every week for a million.  Oh well, if he doesn't accidental shoot himself fourteen times in the head in his prison cell one night, in eight years or so, or when he's paroled, he'll be able to write a book about his experience.  I'm thinking WHY THE FUCK DID I BOTHER? is a pretty catchy title for it.  I just can't stand all the egregious comments about human rights from twats who know fuck-all about degradation in any form whatsoever.  Let's face it, most of the fucking world is sucking up to our Chinese amigos.  It seems like every man-made object in my house is from everyone's favourite "authoritarian capitalist" state.  Bless-em.  The UK government have released a foreseeable (moronic) public statement about the prize along the lines of "nasty China" when the fucking hypocrites recently facilitated a multi-billion (£) deal with Rolls Royce to supply jet engines to China.  I'm off to buy some grog to celebrate a Chinese do-gooder.  Here's to you homeboy, break a few rocks for me tomorrow...   

It all starts here I suppose

Why start a blog called Ape of God?  Moreover, why start a blog at all?  Fundamentals such as these need answering before this thing goes any further.

The name itself is partly borrowed from a novel by Wyndam Lewis (The Apes of God) that was, broadly speaking, a swipe at the bohemian art world in early twentieth-century England.

By no means is this blog an attempt to emulate Lewis's brand of sardonic prose aimed at a particular group, profession or movement.  Yep, it's just another blog by someone with time on their hands who's interested in "publishing" a few thoughts and observations so that they can look back and think "did I really write that".